The Waiting Game
by Juicy Mclucy
Summary: We must all wait, but it's not that easy
1. Chapter 1

She had practically begged her to stay. She had told her she didn't want her to go, but gone she had. The woman who had turned her life upside down had walked out of it and Serena didn't know what to do with all the feelings. She didn't know what to do to make it better, to fix it. Some things are just meant to be painful. She had sent messages and emails but had received no reply. The two parts of herself were at war. The sensible part of her brain told her to just get over it, leave it in the past and move on. But, how was she supposed to do that? This woman had changed everything and now occupied every thought. The other part of her brain, the part that was incessant and caused more problems than everything else, was ever hopeful. Ever trying to cling to what she secretly wanted. Never in her life did she think she would ever be in this position, at least not with a woman.

But this woman was different, different from other women and different from any man. There was an undeniable connection between them and a chemistry. Without having to explain herself or say any words at all she was understood and slowly over time she had come to rely on her. For support and comfort and she hoped, for love. Had she not said it? Had she not been honest? But that was the moment, looking back, when the decision had been made. When this woman had walked out. Was it fear? She knew that Bernie felt the same, but she couldn't reply. She had run. And now, where was she? What was she doing right now? Had she thought about her at all? If she had, why had she not replied or been in contact. Sometimes it drove her crazy and the only explanation she could come up with was that she just didn't want to take the risk.

Of course Henrik knew, you could tell by the questions that he asked and the way that he asked them. A man of few words, but always knew the correct ones, the ones that you needed to hear or the ones that got straight to the point. But he was never vulgar. So of course he knew, but he didn't pry and he wasn't judgemental. But, he prodded her into sending that last email, the one confessing that she wasn't angry anymore. She hoped that she would come back or at the very least reply.

As a middle-aged woman love was difficult at the best of times. But discovering the love of your life was in fact a woman, really put a new spin on the whole situation. Of course she had considered the fact that it might be a mid-life crisis. It wasn't however, Bernie made her happy and she had waited for that for a long time. This separation had made her sure and each day that passed, instead of making it easier, made her feel more sure of what she felt. It was a matter of waiting, eventually she would come back. Eventually she would conquer what had scared her so much to begin with. But waiting was not an easy game to play. But play it she must. She would because she knew that if it all worked out she would be happy.

So, she waited.


	2. Chapter 2

Bernie had watched the destruction of the woman she loved happen in front of her day after day. It was possibly the most painful thing to watch, she could only imagine that losing one of her own children would be worse. The strong, funny, powerful woman had, over time, struggled to drag herself from the mire of her grief and slowly the pain had become more powerful than anything else. So, when she sat with her, holding her hand, on the roof that night, she had silently vowed to wait. She knew that this too would be painful, but some pain has to be felt, some pain must be experienced for the greater good. If she wanted the beautiful, strong, funny woman to ever be able to come back she had to give her the freedom to grieve and to heal. That night Bernie had agreed to an action that would cause her pain, but she would feel the pain and know that every day was one step closer to the end goal of healing and loving.

So, she waited. Everyone around her could see that she was waiting but very few dared to mention it. She waited and sometimes she waited with good grace and sometimes less so. But the phone calls and skype conversations helped to ease the pain, she knew that she would see her again, just didn't have a time and a date for it. There were moments when she was quiet and the longing to hear her voice and to feel her hands in her hair were over-whelming. But she waited. So when that day came and her trauma unit came crashing down around her ears, she fled. She ran in the direction of the woman she loved, there was no need to wait any more. The time had come, the day had arrived when she could kiss her, hold her hand, feel the warm breath on her neck.

She didn't have to wait anymore.


	3. Chapter 3

She came back, she didn't know exactly how long for, but she knew that before long she could return to her love and her life. She felt like she was atoning for all of those sins the year before. She felt like it was something that she needed to do, if she could help, if she could make it easier for someone else, she would. If she could do it then she would be able to forgive herself, not for everything, but for some things. But, no matter how good a surgeon she was she couldn't reverse the process of life, what was gone would have to remain gone. This felt like a big part of forgiving herself and moving on. Excellent, she was doing the right thing. However, in order to achieve this step in healing, she had to leave behind the one person who meant more to her than everyone else. She believed that they were strong enough to last through this period of time. Bernie had even encouraged her to come back and help out Henrik and Rik, Bernie knew it was also a vital stage in healing for Serena, they had set out an action plan to make it easier on themselves during the time apart. What with modern technology, it shouldn't be too difficult for a month. She just had to wait, heal and solve the problems. After this time the world was their oyster.

Returning to that office, seeing her name on the door, it was false and felt like they had forgotten that she wasn't staying. Seeing her name on the door felt like it would be all too easy to slip back into old habits and patterns. There was no way she was allowing that to happen. Not here, in this place, where it all went wrong. But this was also the place she had met Bernie. However, why would she stay when she had a warm blonde, with a twinkle in her eye waiting for her. So, she took her name off the door and dropped it in the bin, she really wasn't going to be here that long. She had unpacked and placed that photo on the desk. When she felt sad, when she felt alone, when she missed Bernie more than she could express, she would look at that photo, their smiles. She would remember the warmth and the companionship that they had together and she would remind herself that it was only a few weeks, that soon they would be together and nothing was going to rip them apart. She thought about that wicked smile, the way she looked up from under her fringe and how her hair felt when she stroked it whilst looking deep into Bernie's eyes. She just couldn't imagine life without her in it and there was no way she was going to give all that up for a rain splattered Holby. Nairobi, where Bernie currently was, was not her dream, but if that was what was needed, where she needed to be then that is where she would go. Nothing else mattered but being together.

Waiting was torture, but in the end it was all going to be worth it.


	4. Chapter 4

She had encouraged her to go. It was the right thing for a lot of people and she knew that Serena would be unable to settle without putting everything right. That was what she was waiting for, the day they could start their life together, without the past creeping in and needing the attention of the woman she loved. And oh did she love her, she wanted them to be together, always and in everything. She couldn't imagine living the rest of her life without Serena in it. So, she knew that Serena would come back and she just had to wait. It was a small price to pay, to have her here and with her, by her side, without all those issues forcing their way into their lives. It was a price she would willingly pay to start a new life together.

However, it felt like she had spent half her life waiting for something, waiting for someone or waiting to go somewhere. It was not something she liked but it was something she was very capable of doing. But, after this time she wasn't going to do it. What if Serena didn't want this? She was scared that Serena had agreed but was sure that once she got back to the UK and started back at the hospital and into a routine that she would change her mind. That months would go by, that slowly they would talk less and eventually the dream would be over, would be done. She was scared that she had lost Serena, that life would get in the way and make it impossible to be together. Nairobi was eight hours away, it was too far to just pop back for a weekend. The only thing she felt she could do was hold on to the hope and maybe Serena would do the same.

She could see Serena in her mind's eye, trying to tell her the difficult truth that she wouldn't be coming, her hand on the back of her neck fingering the ends of her hair. She could remember her smell, not necessarily the actual scent but the feelings that it invoked. The warmth and safety, the little bubble which they lived in together. She could feel her hands in her hair as she kissed her or the gentle pressure on her back as one hand rested there, silently guiding her. There were times when she just closed her eyes and imagined the smell of her skin warmed by the sun mixing with shampoo. The feel of the woman pressed against her. Were these memories enough, could they ever be enough to allow her to wait patiently? She knew she would wait, it was the patiently that was going to be a problem.


	5. Chapter 5

I waited and I missed her, but I became comfortable with my life and I became comfortable with missing her. I desperately wanted to have her with me, for us to be together, but I was comfortable with the discomfort. The ache of missing her, the way she was always on my mind. So, I was starting to avoid her. I didn't know what to do or what was going to happen so I continued to wait in the hope that she would also be waiting for me.

When I came into work that day and she was there, it was like all of the waiting and the whole limbo situation had been exploded. Everything else just melted away and I could feel her presence and I could feel the pull to be near her, like nothing else mattered. In that moment I didn't know anything except the love of my life was there in front of me and so I had no choice but to throw myself at her. In that moment, nothing was there and the previous five months were nothing. Together at last. I could touch the softness of her skin and feel the heat from her neck. Her hair felt so soft and smelled amazing. Her solid presence in front of me felt like an anchor, weighing me into the moment and the part of my life I desperately wanted to live in.

But, that feeling did not last. We broke up. I could see in her face that it was not what she wanted. But, as always, she was noble and accepting and she let me go. Even as we had sat, hands clamped together, as my brain was unpicking the seams of our relationship, I knew that she wasn't going to fight, she was going to accept my decision and throw herself back into her work. Looking back, I wonder if she doubted our relationship, doubted me and doubted whether there was a place for her in my life. I went back for her, of course, there was never any real doubt that I would. How could I ever, even for a second, believe that I could live without her? Even with the distance, how could I believe that I could live without her in my life? It's just not possible. I love her. I love everything about her, she is everything to me and right at the last minute she fought for me too. She stopped being noble and she showed me how much she needed me, how much she wanted me.

So, I'm waiting again. I don't know what for, I'm waiting for something to change or become obvious. I will continue to wait because there is not choice, nothing else I could possibly do. I can't be without her but I can't leave right now. But, I know that there is only one direction I want my future to take, one person I want to be with. I'll wait for her. And I'll hope that she can start telling me how much she wants me, she will stop being noble and tell me what she wants and needs. But I'll wait for her. There's nobody else.


	6. Chapter 6

I thought that the picture of breakfast was obvious, but I got no reply. I waited and I waited, but eventually it was clear, she wasn't going to reply. I had been to a posh hotel and I ordered the Full English and in that moment I wanted her to be there with me. So I sent her that stupid picture hoping to open the lines of communication in a fresh, interesting way. But, she didn't reply. We spoke most days in one way or another, but I really hoped the picture would show her how much I was missing her.

There had been thoughts creeping into my head and they were making me paranoid. She was back in Holby and slowly, over the months, the communication and intimacy was being lost. I worried that once she settled in she wouldn't want to leave, not without reason, that she wouldn't want me anymore, realise that she didn't need me. I started to be scared that every conversation we had would either start or finish with 'I don't want this anymore'. I love her and I need her, I need it to work because she is everything.

I had to return to sell my house and I decided not to tell her, to surprise her, to show her how much she is always on my mind. But seeing her in person, was like melting everything away. I forgot all of those stupid worries and saw her in front of me. I couldn't stop grinning at her and only stopped when she kissed me. She kissed me with everything, I knew then that all of those things were ridiculous. How could I let my stupid paranoia get in the way of everything we had?

However, after the joy always comes the fall, always come the moment of abandonment. I really thought it was going to happen so I didn't bother to fight, not because I didn't want to, because every ounce of me desperately wanted to. I couldn't and still can't bear the idea that we won't make it. But in that moment she had made a difficult decision and it was my duty to make it as easy as possible for her, even while it tore me apart. So I let her walk away and I prepared to do the same thing. It felt awful, like I had been emptied of everything, I just wanted to go away, have a drink and to wallow. But, I didn't want her to see it, didn't want to make it more difficult for her than it already was. I could see it wasn't what she wanted, but she needed to do it, so I held up my white flag and let her do it, accepted it with good grace. Inside, I was dying.

When I felt her hands on me, felt her turn me around, kiss me I was surprised. I was ecstatic, but surprised and I felt myself fall into her. All of the dots connected and I felt the love, I felt like everything was right with the world. She said those beautiful words, the words I needed to hear, the words that banished my paranoia. I could look once more into her deep, dark eyes and know they were also looking at me. I could feel her there in front of me, without having to say words or take pictures.

So yes, I had to come back to Nairobi, had to leave her behind, but I also left behind all of the fears. I know for sure that she is waiting for me, just as I am waiting for her.


End file.
